First and foremost, I love you with all my heart and I am so abundantly proud of you, every day. I love you.
As I'm typing, I am reflecting on exactly what we were doing one year ago today - having your newborn photos made. Strangely, it seems like yesterday and forever ago all at the same time. I had picked out our outfits and made sure you had a full tummy so you wouldn't cry in your pictures. You looked perfect, like a golden angel. Just beautiful. It was a special day that I had planned ever since I found out about you. I wanted these pictures to capture you and preserve our memories of how tiny you were, how beautiful you were, and just how happy we were as a new family of three. All of this was certainly accomplished! I treasure these pictures!
Little did I know, these newborn pictures would mean so much more to me. It turns out these pictures are of the last day before our lives changed in a way that we did not expect. It was the last day before your heart failed.
With so much uncertainty in the days to come, these pictures became so important to me. My memories of your beautiful golden red hair, your faint smile while in my arms. The pride that was beaming from your Dad's face as he held you, the pure love as I snuggled you in my arms.
I also love this picture that I snapped of you later that night after dinner, before we turned in for the night.
You look like a sleeping angel, my angel. It was the first cold night in Charlotte that night. Your Dad and I ate dinner outside on the porch and you were bundled up in blankets in your Moses basket. After dinner, we went to bed, but I could not sleep. We were up together every few hours anyway nursing, but this night was different. I thought you were cold all night long - because of how cold it was outside. Something inside told me to stay awake with you, and I did.
The next morning we had your one year checkup at the pediatrician. It was also your Dad's birthday. Your Dad met us at the doctor's office to be there for your checkup and I'm so glad he did. We of course were so proud of you and so happy to report what a great baby you were! But, this is when our lives changed. We didn't know it, but you were very sick and your health declined in the blink of an eye right there in the doctor's office. We rushed to the hospital in the ambulance. Minutes, seconds, were crucial. But we made it, and we saved you.
Throughout this year, I've often wondered how I would feel on the anniversary of your heart day. Would I be sad? Would I be thankful? Would I still be worried? What would I feel?
I can tell you I feel all of those things when I think back to one year ago, but I also feel proud. I am so proud of the sweet, spunky, adorable little boy that you have grown to be! You are a joy to so many and you are your Mommy's heart. You are smart, curious, and sweet. You are a true little boy who loves to climb, be tickled, head-butt (I think you think you are giving kisses), and ride fast on your new tricycle! Sometimes I even catch glimpses of you where I can see what you will look like as a teenager, and as a man. Just a few days ago, you were snuggled up with me on the couch and the TV was on. I had given you a snack of puffs and you were eating them by the handful! For a moment I just stopped and watched you shove handfuls of puffs in your mouth, just like popcorn, and just like a teenager watching a movie eating handfuls of popcorn. I thought about how proud I am of you now and how proud I will be of you when those puffs are popcorn!
I am also grateful for all you have taught me. Because of you I know deep, unconditional, unwavering love. I know how precious and fragile life is. I know that it is far more important to live in the moment than to dream of tomorrow, pine for yesterday, or be so consumed with documenting every single thing that I miss out on living in those moments with you. I have learned that it is important to print pictures! I print pictures of you every month in small albums. They are priceless.
I am looking forward to our next year together, and the next, and the next... But I will continue to LIVE each and every day with you, as each day is a true gift.
As I say to you every night when I put you to bed, "I love you and I am SO proud of you..."
Love always and forever,
MOM
